Jordan Chiles Says Former Coach’s Abuse Led to Suicidal Thoughts (Exclusive)

Jordan Chiles is opening up about the effects of a former coach’s verbal and emotional abuse.

Throughout her memoir I’m That Girl: Living the Power of My Dreams, out March 4, Chiles, 23, discusses not only her struggle to cultivate a healthy relationship with food but also her challenging mental health journey, including moments where she thought about wanting to take her own life.

In a new interview with PEOPLE, the Olympic gymnast reflects on her “dark” times and how far she’s come since.

“I wanted to get it off my chest. I wanted to let people know that I had really, really down times. I’ve been in the dark, I’ve been in the deepest part of the ocean,” Chiles says of her past suicidal thoughts. “[Writing about] it was hard at first. But I’m happy that I was able to revisit those things and I’m happy now that people get to read it and understand, and hopefully that gives them the confidence to be like, ‘You know what? Maybe I need to talk about something [too].’” 

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Having fallen in love with gymnastics as a rambunctious child, Chiles, who helped Team USA win a gold medal in Paris over the summer, began working with one coach in particular early on in her career. The aforementioned coach is only referred to in the book as “Coach X”.

For years, however, Chiles says she was forced to contend with Coach X’s attacks on her race, her body (Coach X often called Chiles “fat,” among other things), her eating habits, her whereabouts, her performance — all while Coach X struggled with alcoholism, writes Chiles, which only served to exacerbate the behavior.

Ultimately, Chiles says that while she was never formally diagnosed with an eating disorder, she knows the relationship she subsequently developed with food wasn’t healthy. She learned to restrict her intake in an attempt to appease Coach X, and then later, hidden from the critical eye of her coach, she’d binge-eat in secret.

Now, Chiles admits she’s still readjusting to a proper balance.

“It took me a while to really find the love of food,” she says. “Now, I’ve started putting myself in that mindset of understanding that it’s okay to give yourself a cheat meal. This was a trauma, and I’m happy that I’m moving past it. I know that it’s healthy to eat and it’s healthy for my body.”

After Chiles finally parted ways with Coach X, her best friend Simone Biles suggested Chiles switch gyms entirely and begin training with her at the World Championships Centre in Texas. There, under the guidance of new coaches Cecile and Laurent Landi, the switch proved instrumental to Chiles’ continued success as a gymnast — and the triumph of her mental health.

“They are the most amazing coaches. It’s hard to explain how they changed me. I don’t think I knew about [this kind of] support that you can get in a sport. They’re like second parents to me,” says Chiles. “They understand me, not just as an athlete, but as a human. They understood that I can have down days; we can have rough practices. And it was just really cool to know that they [also] had the confidence in me to be able to push me to my limit.”

Chiles still thinks about a word of advice that Cecile gave her on a day when she was struggling in the gym.

“She had told me, ‘If this is what you want to do, Jordan, you have the potential, you have the confidence, You’re talented. If this is what you want to do, then do it.’ ”

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If you or someone you know is considering suicide, please contact the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988, text “STRENGTH” to the Crisis Text Line at 741741 or go to 988lifeline.org.

If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, please go to NationalEatingDisorders.org.